Monday, August 17, 2015

The Uncanny Business of Fear

You are confined only by the walls you build yourself.

We have all been there, standing at a fork in the road facing a decision. The sweaty palms, dry mouth, and nervous unsettling of your stomach. The worry, the headaches, and the doubt that clouds all of your moves. Trying to convince yourself to breathe and relax, that it will all be fine.
 A million times yes.

This past month has had me in constant internal turmoil. My mind swirls with ideas, positive thoughts, and the determination that I need, only to be undermined with self doubt and just plain fear. Fear of failure, fear of not being enough, fear of coming up short, fear of what I'll learn about my abilities, fear of what I'll learn about myself. I've had people mention things to me that have confirmed my prayers and thoughts and I know that I cannot fail when God is at the center of it all. So there is only one thing to be done: Let go, and Let God. Let go of my doubts, fear, and apprehension, and let God do his work in me, through me, and all around. 

 Ezra 10:4(KJV)  Arise; for this matter belongeth unto thee: we also will be with thee: be of good courage, and do it.

Today I will be fearless. Cheers to new beginnings, to fresh starts, and to creating myself.


Wednesday, August 5, 2015

and it's my birthday!

Ever since forever, birthday's have always been my thing. I memorized every extended family's birthday, cousin, uncle, aunt, grandmother, cousin-i've-never-met, friends from middle school, etc. And the first thing I want to write in my fresh monthly calendar are birthdays. I mean what better way to fill up your monthly view than with cake and ice cream on the horizon? I'm glad you see my reasoning. 

Since today is my last day as a 21 year old, I have decided to post 21 wonderful new experiences that I experienced this year. In no particular order.
  1. ECU student - Heeeey Pirates! I also have no social life. Did I mention I am doing this online thing full time? I don't want to waste my time with part time school, but I also work full time sooooo...yep.
  2. Met New Friends - probably one of the best feelings. I love meeting new people and sharing small snippets of life with them.
  3. Started Blogging - after the initial "wait, what even is html code?" and a lot of MySpace reminiscing here it is. The goal? To document my life and share it.
  4. Sang a Solo - my face gets terribly hot when embarrassed. I have survived.
  5. Sunday School Van Route - we have had new kids, some got the holy ghost, and one is now in the youth group <3.
  6. Beach Bums - random beach days are the best way to relax. Good friends, food, and gelato. 
  7. Girls on the West Coast - we visited California this spring and met some pretty nice people along the way.
  8. Early Morning Hikes - a hobby that I definitely need to make more time for.
  9. Summit Conference - mini road trip with my favorite. The sights, the people, the atmosphere. Adventures to treasure.
  10. Bible Quizzing Coach - "wait, are you sure I'm old enough to do this?"
  11. PEAK - first long road trip. Too many laughs, and way too much sass in one car.
  12. Climbed the Cape Hatteras Lighthouse - in 5th grade I made my very own model of Cape Hatteras. It was the coolest lighthouse for sure. And then I forgot that it existed, until this summer that is. Best leg workout yet.
  13. Visited Santa Monica - the crowds, the walking, the uphill trek, the promenade. A little bitter I didn't ride the ferris wheel. Is that too touristy?
  14. Grown-Up Car Alice - I don't mean to say that I don't miss Kirby the Saturn, because I do. But Alice the Acura doesn't let me dwell on Kirby for long. She just holds me in her leather seat and lets me play with the sunroof.  
  15. Learning to Let It Go - I'm still not a pro, but I'm working on it. Some things are gone, and I am learning to cope, adjust, and carry on.
  16. Sold Something Online - It's definitely not as hard as I always told myself it would be. I constantly shop online, but selling seemed too weird.
  17. J Crew Seasonal Employee - yeah those discounts were fun while they lasted. Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years were hectic. Plus preparing for the spring semester. I did get tons of cute sweaters though, so that makes up for it. And dressing up everyday was fun. Part time here + full time job + full time church = insane human trying to function.
  18. Think About my Purchases Thoroughly - ok, not always, but definitely more than I used to. My spontaneous shopping has significantly diminished. I now consider the actual reasons why I want something before snatching it off the rack.
  19. Mastered the Art of Making Tortillas - the regular corn tortillas are perfectly round and I will say delicious. I haven't attempted the flour ones yet, but I still have 4 months to work on it. Give me a break. 
  20. Give More - more time, more money, and more effort. Whether it's helping in the nursery, or giving a small gift for no reason. 
  21. Being Grateful - acknowledging that I am surrounded by people who love me and want me to succeed. Being thankful for each new chance that comes my way to do something, to change myself, better myself, learn, and grow.

Here's to a new wonderful year. Celebrating a decade of me being 12. Because inside I still think I am. And it's the inside that counts.